Yesterday I talked of the gunk in my nose. Today I shall discuss the gunk in my body. I promise it shan’t be so graphic, and or disturbing.
I’m in this weird state right now. I’m on the verge of a huge new beginning in my job, which is going to lead, I think, eventually, to huge new beginnings in my life. The kids are getting older, and I’m in this sort of state of transition, I guess. Which makes me sort of in the mood to try new things, and nudge myself along.
The fact that I started with my sinuses? I don’t know what that is.
We were talking about times in each of our lives where these relationships had shifted a little, momentarily, and about the strength of the triggers that shifted the relationships back to the comfortable old patterns that don’t really help all that much.
Her momentary shift came with a diagnosis of diabetes. Mine came from a brief flirtation with vegetarianism when Caroline and I moved to Cincinnati before my ex-husband was released from the Marine Corps. Her shift ended with a visit from her mother. I laughingly remembered an interlude when I was visiting my mother at Christmastime about ten years ago, and, at the age of 34, after about 3 days there, noticed myself hiding in the bathroom eating Christmas cookies.
Patterns, strings and cords, none of them useful.
Recently I find myself yearning to be more awake in my life. Whether it’s the passage of time, or the unanswered questions about whether I’ve reached the half-way points, or a recent visit with my 100 year old grandmother, I am yearning for a shift in the way I interact with my world. ARGH. HEAVY. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
So, anyway – shortly after the conversation with Margie, I read the aforementioned dooce entry on this “cleanse.” Now, I must say, I hate calling this a cleanse. I hate thinking that I am “cleansing.” I don’t like the focus, I don’t like the new ageyness of it. Hate. So I’m thinking of it more of a jump start, which is the way it’s described by Kathy Freston in the book from which it originates, Quantum Wellness. (And if you don’t think I didn’t hang my pretend to be all high-fallutin’ head in absolute mortification when I had to tell the guy at Barnes and Noble “I think it’s an Oprah Book” well, you just have no idea how high-fallutin’ I pretend to be in my head).
The idea is fairly simple, and involves taking a break from certain aspects of the American diet that tend to bog a body down. Only one of them bothers me, and I’m not cleansing the caffeine quite the way Kathy would have me do it, (i.e. all at once) but Kathy doesn’t understand that I harbor a sneaking suspicion that caffeine is what keeps my heart from just flat out stopping altogether. So basically it’s a break from sugar, gluten, alcohol, animal products and caffeine.
Except not the caffeine. Not yet. I’m really afraid to give that up, is what I’m noticing. Yesterday I did fine until I got to work and my boss had brought me a cup. And because I know myself well enough to know that this isn’t going to last for me if I look at it as “giving stuff up” instead of something I’m trying because I want to shift some perspectives in my life, and therefore something I’m choosing, and also because IT WOULD BE RUDE NOT TO DRINK IT, I drank the coffee. And he brought me a cup in the afternoon, and I drank that. (He’s sort of served as my dealer over the last 5 and 1/2 years, now that I think about it). But I also told him what I was doing. I told him I was reluctant on the caffeine, and that I would happily drink the coffee. And he agreed that by Monday he will not bring me coffee, and we were all fine.
And today I drank some, but not as much as yesterday. So that’s progress, I think. And with a nod to Freston’s focus on consciousness, instead of reheating some burned up crap coffee to get my fix, I made a new pot. And it was tasty. And I enjoyed it.
What this all means is, I think, peculiar to me. I am not setting out to lose weight, or even to get healthier. Just to see what subtle shifts are out there in relation to the world and my place in it. You will never find me counting calories, or reaching for the reduced fat x, y, or z for a number of reasons. I am not looking for a relationship with food or my health or my body where it owns me, you know? I’m looking, I think, for an understanding between us, each of the other, since we’re in this together.